Sunday, December 28, 2008

juicy a's for juicy q's

Dear Sunday Q,
I have been going out with the same guy for 5 years. We used to have a very active, experimental sex life, then two months ago he gets laid off from work, and poof, no boning since. He's so depressed and I am so overwhelmed by his depression that, at this point I am unsure of how to even lay a finger on him. Any quick ideas to spice up our sex life?
-Unboned in Encino

hey unboned,
why do i have to be quick?
i don't have a quick fix to help your honey leap out of his depression. it's going to take time and effort to boost your boy's self esteem, mostly on his part. oh, and a new job would totally help too. but you want quick so i'll give you quick.

nothing says "i love you and i support you" like giving a guy a blow job while he's sleeping. it also makes you look like a naughty 'girl gone wild' temporarily, which never hurt anybody. also, you can really go for it, act like no one's watching you and give him a real wet, sloppy one, because you'll have your comforter or your nana's blanket over your head. i don't know what kind of bedding you two have. he'll love it.

i used to do this to my ex whenever he was down or whenever I felt sexually deprived, which was a lot during this odd span in our relationship. he'd be knocked out in a deep slumber, i'd go under the blankets hungrily slob on his knob for a bit, he'd always wake in a fit of passion, and no matter what time it was, no matter what time he'd have to be up in the morning, we would get it on. mind blowing quickies mostly, however, the effects were somewhat long lasting. days would pass, and he'd look at me and say, "you must of really wanted me bad the other night," referring to the sleeping bj incident and i'd say, 'yup, i don't know what came over me. i just needed to have you right then,'and he'd smile a smile that would last another few days.

tip: pretending that a penis is a delicious popscicle or magical harmonica will turn you into a phenomenal bj giver.

tip: everyone holds the match to the flames of their love life.

so, i say go with that, surprise sexual encounters are instant erotic seasoning to anyone's bedroom activities, and be supportive with his job search without nagging. kiss him and give him a massage everytime he gets a call back for an interview, or when he's exhausted of his career hunting. extra tlc feels good to every organism.

I love you unboned!

Sunday Q,
My father is a god awful big mouth with a vengeful tongue. Besides being a gigantic pain in the arse, he seems to believe he can say whatever he wants, to anybody he wants, without consequence. He's older, 70, stuck in his ways, what 70 year old isn't, pre-senile and he's done a lot for us. He gave us the down payment for our house, one of our cars and always watches my kids whenever we can't find a sitter.
The problem is he's a jerk most of the time. Last week he told my wife, that he couldn't understand why I had married her, after she accidentally burnt dinner. I stuck up for my wife, told my father he was out of line, demanded an apology, this lead to an argument. This week he told me that he wishes that I'd never been born, because I asked him to stop shouting at my 8 year old son. I stick up for my son, defended myself, telling him he was out of line again, demanded he apologize, this leads to an argument. I've pulled him aside several times trying to reasonably call him on his B.S. but obviously he is a hard bugger to talk to. I am afraid of what he'll say next. I don't know how much more of his mouth I can take. Help!
-Spawn of Big Mouth

dear spawn,
first of all...i think someone is spending a little too much time with their pop. cut it out. one way to avoid hearing his razor sharp insults is by not being around the dude. if pop is not a part of the solution, making your life happier, then he is a part of the problem.

also "SAY SORRY!!!" see i knew you wouldn't say it. no one likes to be demanded to apologize. an apology demanded won't be real anyway, so please stop doing this. bullying remorse is impossible. plus i'm sure it only adds fuel to his argumentative fire. if you're arguing then you are losing, no one ever comes to a cool, calm agreement by arguing. cool, calm agreements are spawned by cool, calm conversations.

i know it's hard especially around the holidays to lay low and steer clear of family members you wouldn't normally touch with a ten foot pole, but you can do it. books, magazines, walkmens and wine were all created for these moments.

try another sit down with pop, or my favorite write him a letter. explain yourself to him, let him know how his words and actions are negatively affecting you and your family. his family. reassure pop about the money he's loaned you, make sure he knows your aim is to pay him back; he could easily be tripping off of that.

see if you can get him to at least try to restrain some of the mean spiteful crap that comes out of his lips on a regular basis, this is a baby step. if he can do this, you guys are good. chances are this type of abuse didn't start yesterday and we have to be honest it's not going to stop tomorrow. time is on your side. yes it is. everyone is going to have to bite their tongues, which means no arguing. that means you. after you have your sit down or after your letter is read, give him a chance to digest it, perhaps a few days or weeks, then follow up, ask if he has any suggestions. he might surprise you. and if the bugger won't do it, he doesn't want to have a sit down, he doesn't want to read your letter, then whatever, he really doesn't care. he is still part of the problem. then you have no choice but to keep your pop time to a bare minimum. drop him like he's hot. send that fool his checks in the mail, and keep propelling your life in a positive light.

i was raised by my single mother and my older sister. my family tree looks like the charlie brown christmas tree. thin, wavering, mostly brown. from a low income bracket, i've never had anyone to borrow money from and i've never known my father. spawn! you have alot to be thankful for, you have alot to feel blessed about. remember that. your pop wants to be in your life or else he wouldn't help you so much. he wouldn't be around so much. so, do your best to make sure that part of his heart, his giving side, is honored and respected when you two interact. be cheesy. that'll help.

tip: you shouldn't feel bad about deleting someone out of your life who is abusing you in any way, shape or form. especially when they don't want to help the situation.

tip: be your own momentum. be unstoppable.

tip: come with love. never lose.

cheesy and sugary since '79,
i love you spawn!!!

Dear Sunday Q,
Okay. How can I say this. I'm a slut.
Every boyfriend I've ever had I've cheated on. Even the good ones. Especially the good ones. I don't know what's wrong with me. I meet a guy, I make him my boyfriend, I hump him, I cheat on him with his friend and then I dump him, I make the new guy my boyfriend, I hump him, I cheat on him with his friend and then I dump him, and so on and so on, until I've sexually consumed the entire male friend population of the original boyfriend guy I met. I devour entire circles of friends. Then you know what I do? I move on to an entirely different circle. I start the whole thing all over again. I'm sick.
Then I have the nerve to feel completely passed around.
Like, I have a boyfriend right now, and we've been going out for two months which is a big deal. I've already had dinner with one of his friend's and the urge to cheat is upon me. What should I do?
-Slutty in Salinas

hi slutty,
first starters, stop calling yourself slutty, slut, slutty McSlutterton, especially if you don't want to be one. you should dump your current boyfriend immediately. mos def, do those two things stat. (mos def, i love him.) you are calling yourself a slut and you're acting like a slut, it has to be linked, right? my aunt got a puppy, the sweetest puppy, i've ever met in my whole life, all be damned if she didn't name the adorable flea bag SMUT. I know worse dog name ever. and all be damned this darling, little, optimistic pup began acting like SMUT. this puppy was hanging it's head low, began to form these 'low self esteem' puppy eyes. you know what i mean, pit bulls and retriever's have these eyes. big, sad dopey. the name SMUT, the name, the word, maimed this animal. disfigured it's confidence.

whatever. back to your boyfriend, tell him you need to tone things down, you have to do you right now, and focus on yourself. demote him to 'friend with benefits' status, perhaps this way you can still bone him while you figure things out. a loving human like you, a loving human after my own heart, you may not want to cut yourself off the schnitzel all cold turkey style. it's obvious though, that you don't really want a boyfriend right now. you wouldn't be cheating on all your boyfriends if you really wanted one. you wouldn't be looking for something in all those dudes if you really, really knew what you wanted.

you are getting passed around, and you are doing the passing, love. you are like a magical doobie. you're choosing each of these dude's to be your next ex-boyfriend. these men are people with feelings not monkey bars, let go of the poles and try to enjoy being alone for a moment. it's not that bad. okay, it is. just try it though. being alone sometimes is awesome, you can do whatever you want, you can listen to whatever music you want, you can watch whatever pornos or cartoons you want, you can not go to the gym, you can eat an entire cake. oh, and you can fuck whoever you want and not be cheating. no one's feelings get hurt, that's a plus. your contraceptive budget expands, no break-ups .no guilt. on your own. it could be nice. i'm just saying. this could be what you are really fancying, maybe you feel the push of society. yelling at you. telling you, you have to bone only your boyfriend, you have to only bone your husband, your wife, your girl. who wants one lover their whole life? nobody. so you might just be making these guys your boyfriend so you can bone them. 'boning your boyfriend' sounds way better than 'boning some guy'. i don't know slutty. i'm polluting my own crap on you and i'm sorry. i just think that if something feels bad, and this sounds like it feels bad to you, banging all these circles, that you, you shouldn't be doing it, anymore.

i think you should be...
be single, slutty. please be single. date. find out what you are really looking for in a boyfriend, in a man. in yourself. take your time. define your palette. develop your taste. see who you friggin' want to see without branding the boyfriend title on your dudes right away. zero in on your necessities, so the next time you dive into a relationship with a fella, you won't want to cheat because that boyfriend will be what you really wanted. the one you've been searching for all along. (cheeeeeese-y)

slutty, feel blessed to have such a strong appetite, i secretly wish i was as hungry as you, i just hope you are being safe and not bare backing these gaggles of bros. oh, and know what? I just thought of this, it's completely normal to have slutty phases. i have had my hefty share of these phases too, usually at any business i worked at where there were more than four attractive men. i'd like to take this opportunity to thank fellini restaurant, rasputin records, verizon wireless, barnes and noble for suppling me with ample amounts of sausage during these phases in my life when i needed it most. thank you. being slutty is normal from time to time, natural, we are all carbon based life forms who are going to be really horney at some point or another. there is nothing wrong with you. you just like
a lot of extra sausage on your pizza pie. a lot of it. that's all. that's fine.

tip: it's not cheating if he's if he's not your boyfrined.

tip: nobody who ever said that they were shit, ever amounted to shit.

tip: you are, what you are, what you are, what you are, what you are, and you can still change at anytime.

tip: don't you ever go out to dinner with your boyfriend's friend, wherever you eat trouble will be around the gosh darn corner. i sware it.

i love you slutty!!!

Sunday Q,
I love your name. I don't care if it's real or not. My problem is my macho comacho homophobic boyfriend can't stand my flamboyant gay guy friends. If I hang out with my boyfriend my friends treat me like I voted yes on 8, if I go out with my divos my man gets all butt hurt. I've tried to arrange play dates where we can all hang out, movie nights, barbecues...nothing is working, and my boyfriend acts pretty douchy when he's around my sister-boys, especially when they talk about their dates and their love lives. But that's what we do? What should I do? I want to keep all my fellas happy.
-Fag Hag sandwich Q

dearest hag sandwich: didn't mama cass die from one of those? thanks for the name kudos, and i hope when you wrote the words 'butt hurt' that there was a pun intended. i hope.
your situation is already tricky since it's so darn complicated figuring a way to balance friends, family and whoever you are with. it's hard to remember yourself and what your wants and needs are when you are being pulled in different directions. so for starters I would focus on that. your feelings and happiness shouldn't be getting gang banged by your fellas. you may just need a break from your man and friends, and the negative energy and grief they are expelling in your life. you always have the power to take a step back and meet some new friggin' people.

fag hag, i have been in your situation and it's not fun. my thing is the men i'm mega attracted to are always completely different from the friends i'm attracted to. i find myself with chill, narrow minded yuppies in training, who work entirely too much, and with their down time they enjoy life in the slow (lame) lane, cooking dinner, playing scrabble, renting the latest woody allen dvd. evenings for two. i favor these men. i favor these evenings.

my friends are either hippies, avid club/ party goers, artists, musicians or yogis, these friends enjoy dancing, stoney craft nights, drinking, singing radiohead sing-a-longs in back yards fire side, educating ourselves, mediocre drug binges, loud texas hold'em matches, meditating, camping on acid, tree hugging, image Googling moose knuckles and stretching. i am lot more like my friends. needless to say these dudes i date, these friends i love, never get along. it seems i created a few different versions of myself: work-me, friend-me, girlfriend-me, family-me, and when ever two of my lives intersect it's like a train crash.
myself, my worlds colliding.

so i prefer to keep all those lives separate, every-me separate, since all those me's have different taste in people for a reason. some people aren't going to be down with everybody. i haven't even mastered being myself in every facet of my life. it's supposed to be hard to take a crazy bong rip in front of your parents. it's suppose to be hard to do a keg stand while you hold your newborn baby nephew. those things are supposed to be hard to do in front of those people, because you shouldn't be doing those things in front of those people. phew! it's supposed to be hard for your hetero-for-life boyfriend to hear about your queer buddies sex-capades, that's supposed to be difficult for him, unless your queer buddies are hot lesbians than i'm sure he'd like to hear. everybody would like to hear.

tip: watch revenge of the nerds. macho camacho men and flamboyant divos naturally repel. look for a little fellow in the movie named lamar with pink glitter pants on. and the delightful, heart warming performance of a rather larger chap named Ogre. you'll see what i mean.

tip: i have been dumped by dudes because they hated my friends. you'll rarely get dumped by your friends because they hate your dude. (unless you are on The Hills...yes that was a Hills reference, and now i have the sudden urge to shoot my face off for shoving that lame pop reference down your throat.)

i do dream of a warm gathering though. my family, friends, work buds, whoever my dude is, all together, all glowing with smiles of relief, like at the end of SNL when the credits are rolling and the host thanks the band for coming. hand shakes. hugs. gang signs. people learning about one another. a gathering where there is confusing modern art on the walls, and nobody's taking shit about it. everyone's favorite michael jackson song is playing in the background. this will most likely never happen in my world, unless it's a funeral. (wow, debbie downer in the building...)

tip: it doesn't matter who you friggin' are, where you friggin' live, what language you friggin' speak, you have a favorite michael jackson and a favorite michael jackson song. everyone has a favorite michael jackson song

there was one dude, though. john-john. he was undeniably yummy and as personable as they come. charismatic john-john dipped in sailor jerry tattoos and muscles, he was a bass player and a drummer, who never spiked his mo-hawk. he was suppose to be my friend and ended up being my man, temporarily. by temporarily...i mean we were dating, john-john hadn't had the pleasure of sliding into homebase with me yet...he was outspoken, friendly, intelligent, cooky, got along with all my friends, especially my gay ones. john-john could hang out with me and anyone in my posse gladly. i was stoked. that is until i busted him at a party scrolling through a sea of giant ding dong homo-erotic pictures in his i-phone with my friend Brian. their body language was a bitch, they were all over each other like white on rice. i found them in the kitchen, in the dark, in the corner with an i-phone, so you know the pictures were clear and crisp and big. a guy that favored Brian was in the pictures. there was alot going on in those pictures. turns out the ding dong in the pics was john-john's.

it was a bummer because from what i could see of john-john's ding dong on the i-phone, he had it going on was a bummer for obvious reasons, john-john being somewhat gay in a photo shoot in his i-phone with Brian's doppelganger posing proudly with all his man bits out, in all their glory. so i'm just saying, you may not want your boyfriend and your divos to be getting along too well, or to get to close. you never know who any one was in their past lifetime, before they met you. your dude and your friends, could easily hit it off more than you two, sail off into the night, they could have been soul mates thia whole time. so if you want to keep the bros in your life separate for this reason, you should. could be ideal. your boyfriend and friends could be repelling for a reason.

tip: everyone knows hardcore homo-phobes are secretly gay. it's a fact. look at the republican party. look at the guy in American Beauty who murdered Kevin Spacey, that strange hot kid's dad, he was totally gay. look at all the naughty preist up on charges.

tip: watch american beauty again.

fag hag, you can keep all your fellas happy by doing whatever makes you happy. just like what (i wished) my grandmother used to say, 'you can have fun with everybody as long as you do it at different times!'
she was so wacky.

love sunday q!!!

(save to literally and figuratively...

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