Tuesday, January 13, 2009

juicy a's for racial q's

Ms, Q.T., I'm a single white girl who's got it going on and so does my intelligent, corporate black boyfriend. My mom is a upper class, older woman, from the Souff', kind of on the bigoty side, she has been known to refer to black men as negroids and black women as Keishas. My boyfriend obviously thinks that white people are cool, that's why he's banging one...me, yay me, and a few (dozen) others before me. Any tips on how I should introduce the boyfriend to mom?

will smith movies or television shows. that special episode of blossom he appeared on in '91, enemy of the state, hitch, the pursuit of happyness (which a lovely film a friend of mine was an extra in), hancock, seven pounds. don't care how you get her to watch him, just make it happen. rent them for her, buy them for her, (do a little rough justice) steal them from a bootlegger, watch them with her. flavor her ear with phrases like, 'isn't he smoking hot for a black guy' 'if i was going to date a black guy..." and crap like that.she doesn't live near you? do what i do, get her a subscription to netflix and pre-choose her movies.flavor her ear over the phone. i guarantee, mom'll fall for will, like we all have a hundred times over; man, women, child, dolphin, everyone of us can get a woody for willy. every one of us, even though he is rumored to be a scientologist, we either want to be him or be with him. at the very least we want to be his friend. his friend he tells all his initimate secrets too. and mom at the very least will be willing to give your new boyfriend a chance, as long as you shove will and maybe a few other successful nice, well spoken, black, male prototypes down her throat. obama. old dirty bastard. denzel. eddie murphy after he made coming to america. taye digs...who has perhaps been in your situation. nate king cole. ice-t. i know it will be hard, but try and block mom from all negative black male negative stereotypes: so make sure she steers clear of the news and whatever club music 14 years olds are listening to on the radio and i think you'll be able to meld all the pro-black visions you want to her mind.

i don't know what it is about mr. willy but he has a squeaky clean attraction that appeals to the masses. a persona that touches all spectrums of race and class. he speaks well, which older white people seem to really respond well too. he's a snazzy dresser. he's charasmatic. he's fine, approachable, you know he doesn't carry a glock, which makes him so approachable, he's friendly in a unintimidating way...that is, until until you see his back in i-robot. then, you just want him to turn around and take you. okay, okay this is just me talking, however, it does lead me to an interesting point...the reason your mom is a bigot toward black men, I'm just saying this because of her use of the word 'Nigroid' is because of A: she secretly wants to pound a black dude, or B:she's afraid what people will think, you her daughter boning a choclate fella, her own ebony hunger...she's carrying all this 'cause she's friggin from some racist old school.and now it's your job...like it is the job of all kids who have narrow minded parents, kids like me, to show her how to color out of the lines her society set.

A and B are the roots of old school racism. secretly wanting to pound who you are intimidated by. sexually. literally. figuratively.

anyhow you can help mom think differently, make mom watch what she needs to watch, let her cry her eyes out during the blossom episode, let her laugh hysterically during pursuit of happyness (especially when my friend is laughing at will and jaden's characters as he cruisers by in a fabulous caddy), let her sigh during hancock, let her swoon for him in seven pounds. she will fall in love with him. in love with him indeed. as long as you follow the formula and steer clear of the movie: six degrees of separation, (which is one of my favorite movies all time) he plays a shady, wonderful, lying, grifting gay kid in that and we want her to think lovely black people thoughts not question them. so skip that one and skip wild wild west, because it was lame and i think you'll be fine. show her six degrees when you want her to be a upper class bigot again.

also, make sure you play that scene in i-robot over and over again, that shower scene i told you about, the shower scene, rewind it, and play it over again, work a little shock therapy in the old bag clockwork orange style, and i'm certain that after the 15th time she sees that glistening water shoot out of his powerful shower head sleek itself over his bronzed muscle braided back and booty...she'll want at least a smidgen of brown sugar in her spoiled creme. she'll be so overwhelmed from the lust in her own loins that she won't care what people think, she'll want you to get enough brown sugar for the both of you. which is what every mom wants anyway...her kids happiness.

so tell your boyfriend to be himself but 'will' it up on the day of the mom meeting, get him looking all nerd 'chiq, think kanye in the falls down video. no bling if he is found of the stuff.and i'm sure they'll get along swell.


you could substitute denzel washington for will smith.

if you have a white bigot dad and you want him to meet your black girlfriend: try using gabrielle union instead of will smith. i usually channel aisha tyler or kerri washington.

if you have a black bigot dad/mom and you want him to meet your white girlfriend/boyfriend: try making them watch a movie where there are white people being really nice to black people. like roots. or the rodney king beating video, a inter racial gang bang tape. or any episode of the sarah silverman program or all in the family. just kidding, show your black parents any tom hanks, julia roberts, brad pitt, steve martin, movie and i guarantee you they'll have no reason to have any ill will to your white girlfriend/boyfriend.

p.s. your mom is totally a bigot, non bigots usually don't attach the word 'oid to their racial epitaphs.phew! that was a long ass answer.

I'm a white bro. How come my black girlfriend doesn't let me touch her hair? She won't even let me touch the back of her head? help!

she probably has a weave and doesn't want to deal with that awkward convo with you. or maybe, just maybe this isn't a black question at all. she might not want people touching her head in general.

i used to date this guy who hated his belly button touched. that was his thing. touch his belly button, you might die, he might kill you. so guess what? i never touched the thing. no one ever did per his request.

other random answers: she could have head trauma from something she's never told you about. a skiing trip, some sorority/fraternity hazing activity, a donkey punch space camp incident, maybe she has a patch of brillo pad rough hair on the crown of her scalp that she doesn't want you to comment about or touch, she could have a kimberly from melrose place scar kicking it under her hair. so i would just ask her why you can touch her head, if you haven't already and ask her if you can pet her some other alternate place that she is comfortable with. like her back, her shoulders. her hand, her elbow or her ego.

tip: respect what someone wants, never go wrong.

How many white men have you gone out with?

a lot. in the teens. maybe the early twent-...never mind. a lot.

S.Q. I am mixed. How come I'm 1/2 black & still considered 100% black by society?

i think you should consider yourself mixed. don't forget what you are, your linkage, your family's history. embrace it all. screw what society thinks...society is usually wrong.

Hi Sunday Q, how come black men don't like to go down on women? Been with my man 11 months, his head hasn't been below my waist since we got together. I've dated alot of black men and this is their usual deal. Any ideas to get him to go downtown?

check your snatch...maybe it has that not so fresh feeling. just kidding...but make sure you are so fresh and clean down there, to the best of your ability.

not all black men avoid going down on their ladies. just the one's you go out with. and the one's i go out with. try giving to receive. plant the seed by giving him more action down there. perhaps he isn't giving any because he isn't receiving any. if the dude is not giving you what you want especially something you need or feel you are missing out on, you should bail while you still have time.

please entertain the idea that some men and women are only out for what they can get, and even if they are with the person of their dreams there is some crap they just don't want to do. and there's nothing you can do to change it. your dude might think going downtown is below him. literally he's right, unless he is vertically challenged or a midget or something, so you either learn to live without something you need or move on, depending on how important that need is to you.

out of the black men i have dated, i've only been with one that enjoyed going to the area downtown, frequenting the shops and booty-tiques down there. and boy he was quite a fan, a few times i couldn't keep him out of there, i had to practically shoe the cat with a broom. so stay on the lookout, now that you have narrowed on something you want from a fella, it should be the hard to find.

Is there ever a appropriate time to say the n-word?

no never. you do have my permission to say it silently to yourself only when you are rapping along to a rap song when there are no black people around. that's the only n-word pass i can give you.

In your humble opinion do you think black men really have bigger packages?

no. these sorts of packages to me are always a surprise. color and stereotypes always deceive me in this realm of my life. each fella a cracker jack box? what will i get a big floppy surprise, a little cocktail wiener sized prize. will i get a stupid radical rub on tattoo, or balls so big i don't know which way is up, or a funky aroma so terrible it could have killed off the dinosaurs.

i've been pleasantly surprised by all sorts of men who flew happily below the big package radar with hefty footlongs tucked happily in their dockers. an attractive scottish grad student who was going to stanford who turned out to be a cocky douche, the sweet faced the jewish lawyer-foodie i dated, who turned out to be a cocky douche, that chisled brainless biker who used to fix things for me around the apartment, also a cocky douche all of them packing horse cocks.

so, i'd say find yourself an attractive cocky douche and wa-la there's your bigger package; race completed unspecified.

Sunday q. how come black people have kinky hair and white people have straight hair?

easy. when God was creating everbody and deciding what he wanted all the races to look like he had an angel personal assisting him that day. the angel personal assistant would ask G.O.D. questions.

Angel Personal Assistant (A.P.A.): Okay big guy I have the white people hair what do you want me to do with it. How do you want it?

GOD:Silky, straight. (The A.P.A. did just that.)

A.P.A.: How about indian people?

GOD: Just like the white people, make sure it's thick and black though. (The A.P.A. did just that.)

A.P.A.: What about Asian people?

(The A.P.A. did just that.)


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